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BirthMom Buds Bulletin
"Be who you are and say what
you feel,
What's new with BirthMom
Buds: Just a
little note to keep you up to date with all the great things we are doing!
Ideas and Insights: Some ideas for gifts to your birth child or adoptive parents, creative ways to deal with being a birthmom, insight on things to do or say with your buddy, and ways to shed some light about being a birthmom to those who just don't get it.
“What shall they call me?”
Mom, Momma, Mommy…there are so many ways for a child to address their mother. When I became a birthmother, I knew that my son wasn’t going to address me as “Mom” and that there would be a point in my journey where I would have to face how my son was going to address me. I remember when I went for my visit around his first birthday and his adoptive mother referred to me as “Miss Mary” I received a shutter up my spine. This was a feeling that I could not just put in a closet and let it settle down. This was something that I knew I was going to have to pray about and talk over with my adoption counselor. When I met with my pregnancy counselor/adoption social worker, Becky, and spoke with her about this, she said this was a common situation that many birthmothers face. Relieved, I finally knew that my feelings about my “title” were not weird and it was common. She said the birthmothers that she has worked with all responded differently though. Some were very content with their birth child to call them by their first name. Others came up with a title or a nickname that was specific to their birth child. I knew for myself, I was not going to be content with my son, George, to call me Miss Mary or Mary. My feelings revolved around the fact that I played a more important role in his life than to just be called Mary or Miss Mary. For heaven’s sake, I went through 36 hours of labor and an emergency C-section to bring him into the world! I then began my quest to find my perfect “title.”
I started off by researching “Mom” on the internet. With the different languages and cultures that are in this beautiful world the title of “Mom” sounds different wherever you go. Since my heritage was Scottish, Irish, and German, I started by researching the “Mom” names in German and Gaelic. Although some of the translations I found were interesting, I knew none of them fit me. I thought I was never going to find anything. Because I am a woman of prayer, I decided to let God guide me and I asked him to either place peace on my heart to be called Mary or reveal the “title” that I was looking for.
If you are struggling with finding the perfect “title” for your child to call you, below are some of the steps that I went through while searching for what I wanted to be called.
1. Think about nicknames you had through your life. Was there a term of endearment that your friends or family used to call you that is not used anymore? Is it something you would feel comfortable with your birth child calling you? If so, think about this nickname to use as your “title.”
2.
If you cannot
think of an appropriate nickname, start researching your name or Mom in
different languages. Keep in mind the name needs to be easy to say and
easy to spell for your birth child. Start out with cultures and their
languages that are significant to you or to your child’s adoptive
family. This way, there is a historical connection to the reason why
you chose your “title.”
I hope this list will help you as you deal with this challenge. My son, George, now calls me “Minnie.” I chose this because my nephews used to call me this before they were able to say Aunt Mary. Since they all call me Aunt Mary now, the name was free to use. His sister also calls me Minnie. It is now second nature for George, his parents, and his sister to call me to refer to me as Minnie. Always remember that, no matter what your child may call you, they will always know how incredibly important you are to their lives just by the shear fact you gave them life and your love gave them flight.
Adoption Spotlight: Focusing on any adoption or women's issues related web site, organization, individual, or issue.
16 And Pregnant:
The Adoption Episode Review MTV’s reality series 16 and Pregnant has been airing over the summer. In this series, a pregnant teenager is followed through her pregnancy and the first few months of being a teen Mom. They discuss the challenges of juggling parenting and school while sometimes trying to maintain a relationship with their baby’s father and provide for their child. In every episode the Moms have parented and barely mentioned adoption until the season finale. Like many I was curious to see how adoption would be portrayed in the episode and I have to say, I’m impressed. This has to be the first time in a while that I’ve seen adoption pretty realistic in that it shows the joys and pains and expresses the truth of what adoption is about…love. Of course, I can’t deny that there are some stories in adoption that have not turned out as well, but in general this story reveals what it’s like for a birthmother who obviously cares for her child beyond words, has peace with her decision, and with an adoptive couple completely open and loving in return. Honestly, watching this episode was a lot like watching my own story on screen, as I’m sure it felt familiar to my fellow birthmothers as well. It brought back so many memories: the love for my daughter, the anguish of making that decision and not knowing what to expect emotionally with her delivery and afterward. However, unlike Catelynn, I had oodles of support for my decision and my heart breaks for her and Tyler in that even their own parents couldn’t see how mature they are for making the choice to give their daughter a better life than what they have. And oh my goodness, how refreshing to see a birth father so involved! Tyler showed so much strength and maturity and clearly loves both Catelynn and their daughter. Many times the dad’s disappear and it was awesome to see that birth fathers (can) feel that same connection and love as well. I had high expectations for this show. I wanted it to fight the stereotypes and it did. While it is sad that their family wasn’t supportive, it displayed the typical negative attitude and comments that often people approach adoption with. Sadly, Tyler’s own father told him that he wasn’t “manning it up” to the responsibility of being a dad by placing his daughter with another family for a better life but Tyler fought back saying that his kid does deserve better than this life that they have. It’s impressive the passion and caring that he has, obviously it was worth fighting to give his daughter better despite what people said or thought about their choice. I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard “I couldn’t ever do that” or “How can you carry a baby nine months and then just give it away?” when talking about adoption and once again it came up on this show. Catelynn battled those comments and helped provide a true look at why people choose adoption, especially when she met with the adoptive parents and she explained why she made her choice. Point blank: She wanted better for her daughter’s life. I love, love, love when she says, “I want her to know that I’m still there, that I didn’t just not care about her…I want her to have better than what I had and I’m doing what I think is the best” Bam. That’s proof right there that birthmothers do love and care about their children. The choice is made out of love, not a choice that is selfish or not “manning up.” I think for once, MTV did an awesome job portraying an adoption story and I pray that this show helps all who watch it to see the love inside this couple and every birth parent out there. But also, that adoption is far from the easy way out as many people have suggested as they commented on this show. I have so much respect for Catelynn and Tyler and how they approached their situation. But then, I remembered that that was all of us a few years ago…and I’m proud. If you didn’t see 16 and Pregnant: The Adoption Episode, you can watch it on line.
Buddy of the Month: All of you are appreciated, but each month we will spotlight a different involved member. You can also nominate fellow BirthMom Buds who you think deserve to be buddy of the month. For more info or to nominate a friend, visit the Buddy of the Month Page.
August's Buddy of
the Month:
Mary is the proud birthmother of George who was born in June of 2005. After finding out she was pregnant in November of 2004, Mary decided upon open adoption for her baby. Mary has structured visits with her son; one in June around his birthday and one in December between her birthday and Christmas. “When I go and visit my son, it is with his adoptive father since his adoptive parents got divorced. It is not the situation I wanted for my son, but my relationship has improved tremendously and the level of openness increased since his parent’s divorce.”
Mary’s favorite color is purple. If her life were made into a movie, she hopes Sandra Bullock could play her. In her free time, Mary volunteers in the youth ministry at her church and enjoys spending time with her friends and family as well as her boyfriend, Aaron.
Thanks for sharing yourself and your story with all of us, Mary!
Founder's Corner: A little section to help keep you up to date with Coley and Lani as they share their lives, their thoughts, and what they're doing with BirthMom Buds.
Hi Ladies!
While we feel that the support you’ll find through BirthMom Buds is
irreplaceable, we also understand that the support you’ll find in
meeting other birthmothers face to face is invaluable as well and we
want to help you find that support.
Personally speaking, I don’t know how I would have made it to where I am today without the support of other birthmothers, many of you, who have now become like a second family to me.
Hugs,
Birthday Buds: In this section, we will list birthdays of our members and their birth children, so if you would like to have your birthday or your birth child's birthday mentioned in this section, please email the birth date, your name or your child's name, to Amy by the 25th of the month before your birthday. For example, if your child's birthday is November 21, then you need to email it to Amy by October 21st. (Note: You can click on the names below to email them or send an e-card.)
Brie Marion's daughter
Annika will celebrate her 2nd birthday on August 21st.
Prayers Please: We added this section because so many of you have asked us to remember you or your loved ones in our prayers. We have never wanted to force religion on anyone, so if you don't pray, then skip this section and go on to the next! And if you do pray - add the people listed here to your prayer list. Email Amy with your prayer requests. "Please pray for Luciana Francesca-Marie Nicolosi. Her Father and I grew up together. Luciana is battling a rare disease called Critical Pulmonary Arterial Branch Stenosis. She is a few months shy of her 2nd birthday and is waiting for a heart and lung transplant. Also, my car was stolen this week, so please pray for that as well as my cousin's wife, Mary, who was the aerobics instructor shot in the LA Fitness shooting in Pennsylvania this week." ~ Melanie Mosberg
Birthmother Support Groups: We've added this feature to our monthly newsletters in the hopes that it will connect you with local birthmother support groups if that is something that you are searching for. While we believe the support you'll find at BirthMom Buds is invaluable, we also believe that the support that you'll find at a live support group meeting other birthmothers face to face is just as invaluable. This list is going to start off short but hopefully, it will grow over time as more people find out about it and as more people begin to form support groups for birthmothers in their local communities.
North
Carolina
Pennsylvania
Wisconsin
Inspiration:
Little things to
inspire a birthmom from poems, stories, and quotes to encouraging words.
An
Unexpected Blessing
What about school, or work, or come what may
I don't know what to do, what do you say?"
As she knelt there alone with her fears
"I know this situation doesn't seem fair
Inside you this child I did create
Because I know you've got what it takes
Through this experience from above
Newsletter Archives
All articles and poems appearing in the BirthMom Buds Bulletin and on the website are the views of the individual authors and are not necessarily the views of the founders and staff at BirthMom Buds. All articles are copyrighted to BirthMom Buds. If you wish to re-publish any of the articles or poems featured on our website and in our newsletters, we typically do not mind, but please email us for permission first.
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Mary
S. is August’s Buddy of the Month! Mary is twenty seven years old and is
originally from Long Island, New York but now resides in Oak Ridge,
North Carolina. Mary is currently a Member Services Representative with
a Credit Union but plans to pursue a degree in Catholic Theology within
the next couple of years.
Mary
is active in the pro life movement and enjoys sharing her adoption story
with others. Since becoming a birthmother, Mary feels that she has
learned a lot. 
As
many of you know, one of the primary missions of BirthMom Buds is to
provide other birthmothers with support. Finding support was crucial for
me after I placed my son into the arms of his adoptive family. Luckily,
I found Lani and we were able to support one another.