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Coping with a Closed Adoption

by Alicia Moser

Being the birthmother of a daughter in a closed adoption is on a good day tolerable and on a bad day very hard. Your child’s birthday, Mother’s Day, and other holidays are probably some of the common hard days birthmothers experience but there are ways to make it through and cope on those hard days.

A big part of how I cope is to focus on the possibility of a future reunion with my birth daughter. I keep a journal and a photo album just for her. In the journal, I tell her what is going on in my life and tell her of my love for her and how much I miss her. On her birthday and Christmas each year, I get her a special card and sign and date them. I keep the journal, albums, and cards for her and hope to one day be able to give them to her. Sometimes I write poems for her or about her and will share these with her one day as well.

I try hard to think positive that one day we will reunite and I will get to see her again and that she will get to see and meet her sisters.

Other birthmothers I know will light a candle in honor of their child on important dates like birthdays or holidays.

I pray for my daughter and her adoptive family on a regular basis. I also pray for the strength to get me through the days without her. My faith has gotten me through a lot of hard days.

I also share how I feel with other birthmothers. I get a lot of love and support from all of the women at BirthMom Buds. I do not know where I would be without them. There are women there who are going through what I am going through and we have laughed and cried together. I’ve also learned that when you need to cry, let yourself cry and lean on your family and friends as needed on those hard days.

I know it is not easy and some days are harder than others, but just try to take it one day at a time.